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August 2009


How to Be A Pastor's Kid
Monday, August 31st, 2009

Not too hard, really. There are just a few things you have to remember, one of them being very, very important. So I'll just get down to it: Your conduct directly affects your father's job.

Ouch! You say. Hey now! That's not fair. Another quick adage, suck it up. You have no say in the matter. You are a pastor's kid, a PK if you will, and what you do and what you don't do speaks volumes about your father and you have no say in the matter so just suck it up. Pastor's kids have to be tough by nature and now is a good time to start if you haven't already. I realize that this can be a hot cup of coffee for some people to swallow. I also realize that there are some of you out there who really couldn't care less about what people think. You're sick and tired of being judged by your dad's job and you can't take any more of the bad opinions. You, personally, are undermining what I believe in and I can't stand that. You are also undermining what your parents believe and what the people in your church believe. In that case you deserve to be judged. You're doing what is wrong. 'Well,' you say, 'I don't believe what my parents believe.' You poor, pathetic human. Do you realize exactly what it is you're throwing away? A chance to serve in a ministry!

Not everyone gets called into the ministry. As a pastor's kid you are born into the ministry. If you have the stomach for it you can go all emotional and call it a 'calling'. I don't, it is simply my job title. It's a hard job. Basically the description goes as follows (and it's different for everyone depending on where you live):

Obviously the list could go on forever. This is just the basics. All of them very, very important. I didn't actually realize the importance of being a pastor's kid until I up and moved away to Mexico. In Mexico I met Annie, an astounding individual and someone I am proud to call a good friend of mine. Since I didn't speak any Spanish that first year Annie and I got thrown together a lot. Annie worked so hard doing everything that she once fell asleep at the dining room table while studying for her Sunday School lesson and we hadn't even realized it. She had her head tucked into her hands and just fell asleep. The thing I most admire about Annie is that she never, ever lets you know what she's feeling. She's the ultimate hostess. She won't correct you, she won't let you know that she thinks you're an idiot and she doesn't seem to ever get mad. She made me look like a child that first year and I felt as if she could do anything. Using her as my example I've since turned around and am now actually helping in the ministry in Mexico as opposed to hindering it.

My point in telling you about Annie is to demonstrate to you a person who actually gets it. When I was in high school I did not get it at all and I made a horrific mistake, one that almost cost my dad his job. Yes, it was that serious. Can you even imagine? I was fortunate. I have an awesome church and after I apologized all was well. Some families haven't been so fortunate. I've heard stories of pastor's kids who have done stuff so bad that their family had to leave the church. Be warned! Your actions will affect your dad's job security! Off the cuff I can't think of any other job that has this sort of situation. In the secular world your dad wouldn't get fired for something you did because his job isn't based on your actions. But in the ministry, the actions of the child are incredibly important. As a pastor's kid you set the example to the other kids in the church be it the third graders, the twelve year olds or the youth group. What you do is deemed as acceptable. You must hold yourself to a higher standard than anyone else. Because what you do is what everyone else will do also, more so with new members.

Go ahead and hate it if you want. Go ahead and throw a fit. But I know the God who created you didn't put you in a position that you can't handle. Consider it a challenge. If you're absolutely miserable it's most likely your doing and not anyone else's. Our feelings on a subject can be directly linked to how we think about it. Try something sometime, before you have a meeting start thinking negatively about it. Think about how awful it's going to be. Start wishing you didn't have to go. Then, when you're there, see how badly it goes. The next time you have an appointment, consider all the good parts about it. Think of what you might accomplish. Think of how you can help someone else. Then, when you're there, watch how much better it actually is than the other meeting. You'll be surprised.

I'm writing this because there are a lot of pastor's kids out there who might be in a similar boat as I am. No one ever explains to pastor's kids how important their role is. There are books on being a pastor and being a pastor's wife but, crazily enough, no books on being a pastor's kid (at least I've never seen one).

If you have any questions, any gripes, anything, please feel free to email me. I would love to talk to you. Really. I know exactly what you're going through. I've been a Pastor's kid my whole entire life. I've moved across the country because my dad took another church. I've had to explain to people that my dad is a pastor. I've had people look at me like a crazy person because I acted out. I've made terrible mistakes that the whole church had to find out about. I know what it's like. But the rewards are immense once you come to realize what they are. No one said serving God was going to be easy. A ministry is all about helping sinful people (like us!). But helping people gives the best feeling of accomplishment.


How to Fit In
A basic list of duh's:

How to Find Weird things Online
Thursday, August 13, 2009

So I'm doing research online for the Odenton Baptist Church website that I'm re-doing (yay!) and I find this really strange link. Just click it, it won't lead to anything bad, no viruses or anything, it just struck me as humorous that someone would...well, just click it. You might not find it all that funny.

I've been waiting for this next moment since I was eight and just first started making websites. My whole goal when making my first website was to draw a lot of attention to myself and get people to email me all sorts of interesting questions which I would answer with sage-like grace and wisdom. Well, last week (maybe that's the reason I'm not popular. I never actually answer emails on time) a young man named Peter emailed me asking if I could tell him how to pop painful zits. I'm assuming that this email (if it isn't some sort of hilarious joke) stems from the post I did last month about popping zits. So, Pete, if you still take me seriously, here's your answer. It's pretty much the same process it just hurts about a jabillion times worse. And usually those painful zits are the really big, red, noticeable ones that are really, really embarrassing (I actually had two of them earlier this week). The good news is that they go away fairly quickly once you get the white puss out and, if you're a girl, you can always cover them up with a little concealer and powder until they heal completely (you can do it even if you're a guy I suppose, if you want to). Just remember, let them come to a head first, don't go sticking pins in your forehead in an effort to get them to pop quicker. Bad, bad idea (though I guess you could if you boiled them first, to kill all the bacteria and such). Disclaimer: OtterFiles.com will NOT take the blame if you go sticking things in your face and die. I warned you not to do it.

And now, in the spirit of online searches, I will show you things you have never dreamed of:
Harvester Killer! - Not in any way associated with the FFA, the Harvester Killer is a long, long list of bogus emails set up for spambots to find and put in their databases. There are so many of them that eventually the spambot overloads and basically dies thereby releasing us from it's evil powers. I'm SO setting this up somewhere on OtterFiles.
Online Testimonial! - This is my other goal in life, namely, to get someone to put something I've said on their website so that other people will buy their products. Hint: Check out the second testimonial.

July 2009


How to get your Website Closed Down
Thursday, July 30, 2009

It's quite simple really. All you have to do is forget to put money on your debit card. Then charge the hosting to the empty debit account. Yahoo! domains steps in and takes charge after that by effectively charging an empty account and closing down your site all without telling you that they've done so. It's my fault, I'm not worried, besides, the website is back anyways. Ha!

To kill some time and check out a super awesome thing coming at the end of this year, head on over to wave.google.com and watch the preview for Google Wave. It looks pretty sweet, I'm going to join.


How to Argue Effectively
Saturday, July 18, 2009

Note: This method only works if you really, really have to win the argument. It also works if you want to be really, super annoying.

First off, you have to go into the argument knowing you will win. You also have to know exactly what it is you're arguing about even if it's just for the fun of it. If you go an argument not knowing what you're arguing about you're going to lose (unless you follow these simple steps of course). So before you start the argument think through what you're arguing about. i.e. 'I shouldn't have to go because I won't know anyone there'. Or, 'It's Tim's turn to load the dishwasher because I did it all day yesterday'.

Once you've got the argument down, the next part is easy. Generally the more negative the argument, the louder the fight will be. Happy fights, such as the type of pie you should order, will generally be quiet. Bad fights, such as about who should vacuum the living room, are generally very loud. There is an equation for this. X = Type of fight, N = Number of people, and L = loudness. Therefore: X + N = L.

Now that you know all of this, here's the golden part. Never, ever veer off from your intended argument. If you don't want to go because you won't know anyone, that's all you have to say. Ever. It doesn't matter what the other person says because all you have to say is that you won't know anyone. The other person arguing will be forced to constantly make various arguments about your one argument. The end result is that the other person will give up, throw their hands in the air in frustration at your immaturity and ultimately go alone.

The other way to do this is to constantly get louder and louder. Eventually the other person will try to placate you to make you quiet and at that point you've won.

That's all there is to it! Of course you come out of it looking like an immature jerk but at least you won, right? At least you proved your point! And when everyone comes home thrilled to death because Patrick Dempsey was at the bookstore signing autographs on calendars and they all have one at least you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that you won the argument, right?

Right.


How to Pop Zits
Friday, July 17, 2009

Note: I don't take responsibility if you get an infection and die from these instructions. It's what I do, but I can't promise it will work on everyone.

You'll need tweezers and neosporin (or another antibiotic cream of some sort).

It's best to do this at night before you wash your face because when you wash it you'll clean away all the infection and germs that come out when you pop the zit. You also need to wait until the zit is a pretty pronounced whitehead. You can't do this on those red bumps that pop up. Those are zits but the pus is buried very deep and you can't get at it with this method.

First off, find a bathroom and lock the door so that no one comes in while you're doing this, it's kind of embarrassing. One of those things that everyone has to do but nobody wants to admit to. Turn the lights on over the mirror if you have them, the better you can see the zit the more likely you are to completely clear it out.

Take the tweezers and gently squeeze the white part of the zit. The point is to pop it, literally. You're successful if a blob of creamy white stuff pops out. Sometimes it'll fly out, other times it'll get stuck on the tweezers. It all depends on how forcefully you squeeze the zit. There's an art to this step and the more you do it the better you'll get. Also, this part hurts. Pretty badly sometimes.

Once you've got the main blob of pus out you're usually good to go. You can check this a number of ways. If you press on the spot where the zit was and it doesn't hurt you've got all the pus out. If you press and it still hurts you've still got pus in there, I promise you. You might not be able to see it and you might not be able to get it out this time, but it's still there, you'll just have to wait another day or so.

Popped zits might bleed for a little bit but never bad and usually they don't bleed at all. You wash your face right afterward so that might have something to do with it.

You MUST wash your face after popping a zit. If you don't you'll leave all sorts of bacteria to infect your face in a different place. If you don't wash your face at night you really need to start. In the morning would be good also.

After washing and drying your face use a tiny bit of Neosporin on the spot. That will cut down on the redness and make sure you don't get an infection.

lol. Do whatever you want to with these instructions. It's what I do, but I know it won't work for everyone. I've never noticed any scarring, but then I usually keep my hands away from my face. If you pick at the zits once you've popped them you'll probably end up with scarring. I posted this because I know people look for instructions to crazy things such as these and no one ever writes about them. Figured I would. ^^


Pepsi in the Dr. Pepper Dispenser
Friday, July 10, 2009

Today is my mom's birthday and she's up in New Jersey with my dad. I was going to buy her an eBay gift card to go with her new obsession with buying shoes on that particular auction site but the Mazda decided to break down and so I'm a little bit stuck, I'd guess you could say.

Work was particularly gratifying today. The church bought a new LED sign and we worked pretty much all day to get the silly thing to work. Plus I managed to design, purchase and approve proofs on a banner for missions conference. I had to take a few pictures of some clocks before it all worked out and I'm still a bit worried about the resolution but it's too late now. It comes in next Thursday.

I had a dentist appointment yesterday to see about my wisdom teeth. Thanks to a lucky genetic defect I only have three of the darn things but they've still got to come out. That's scheduled for August 21st. I may or may not live through the procedure. We shall see.

The church has bought a new piano, a Mason and Hamlin, to be exact and the projected delivery date is August 20th. So I'll pretty much be playing it all day because if I die while getting my wisdom teeth removed I won't be able to play it ever again. Tragic.

Whoever stocked the school's soda machine did something stupid and now every time I go to buy a Dr. Pepper it gives me a Pepsi instead. I hate Pepsi but I never learn (or always learn the hard way) and I keep getting a Pepsi which I exchange for a warm Dr. Pepper. Very annoying.

And finally, Arby's is having a five for $5 special so if you like roast beef and bread I'd definitely recommend them. Buy me one while you're at it.



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